Church, to some it means a place of worship, to some it means a community, to some it means an obligation, to some it means a place of employment, and to me, it means a much more complicated thing...
I came into Christianity in my adulthood, though not quit the "blinding-light" epiphany of St. Paul's conversion, it was bright and enlightening. It was pain-releasing and life-giving. I came into the Christian Faith through God's Mercy. I became an Episcopalian because of my priest Father Ron McCrary, who was a symphony violinist before became an Anglican Pastor never tired of my theological and liturgical questions, and the musical experience in the Anglican Church was so fulfilling for me as a professional musician: the Even Songs, the Vespers, the Lessons and Carols... I came into the Catholic Church through the Catechism of Catholic Church. Through the Catechism, I found the one Church where Liturgy, Theology, Spirituality and Music can live harmoniously. So Church to me, was never about a building or the people who gathered in that building. It is, truly, a place to receive the Living Word and Eucharist, through the Liturgy she celebrates and the community she fosters.
I loved the beautiful Anglican Church in Overland Park, Kansas where I was never afraid to ask questions. I loved the little campus church in Boulder, where I learned so much (linguistics, physics...) just by being there. I loved the old rugged Benedictine parish where the priests loved talking about good music but were afraid to demand any. I love the beautiful and welcoming St. Elizabeth where I came into the Catholic Church. I loved the Cathedral parish where we dared to dream big and reach high. I loved our parish in MA where my children grew up. I have grown to love our church in FL, the building, the people, the instrument... even though I, myself, have not had much time to invest in the community.
As someone who worked for the Church, and not just the Catholic Church, for many many years, I can testify that working for the Church, ANY Church, is not for the faint of heart. Many of us view the church that we serve as our Spiritual Home, especially for us Church Musicians, we cannot go elsewhere to worship because we have duties to perform - even the priests don't celebrate ALL the mass on any given weekend, but we do! So, for us, when we work and worship at the same place, Church took on a duel meaning - it is an employer as well as a spiritual sanctuary. The secretaries, book-keeps, custodians... all have the option of worshiping elsewhere, but not us! And in the case of our family, EVERYONE is involved in the ministry itself, including all the children -countless weekends given up for the ministry... the ministry is part of our lives.
Yet the Church, is where the sinners come. Jesus came for the sinner, and we are IT! We, the people who come to church day in and day out, are IT! Ever since I left the Cathedral, my prayer has been "Making me into what YOU want me to be." And these past four years I have truly been "worked on" by Him. The recent events at our parish where my husband has been employed has sent me into my "retreat" with my Lord - spent a lot of time praying through the daily Mass readings, reflecting on my shortcomings, give thanks to His Mercy, and discerning His calling.
"Suffering is part of your training; God is treating you as his sons... So hold up your limp arms and steady your trembling knees and smooth out the path you tread; then the injured limb will not be wrenched, it will grow strong agin... Always be wanting peace with all people, and the holiness without which no one can ever see the lord. Be careful that no one is deprived of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness should begin to grow and make trouble; this can poison a whole community."- Hebrews 12: 11-15
We are leaving this building, because we are not sure if my husband's employment is secure, and that the employer and employee relationship has becoming difficult to manage because of communication difficulties.
Yes the worship itself is not what we are accustom to, but if I just tune out all the nuisance and focus on the Word and Eucharist, then Christ is still here. Yes, the feeling has changed, it is not an atmosphere that I have grew to love - one that is calm and focused, one that stay out of the way of Jesus... But I am sure some good people find the current liturgy exciting... I did not come to see a show (may it be that the liturgy is dramatic itself). I came to do my part in worship. I did not come to appreciate the music - though the music needs to be in service of the Word and Eucharist - I came to praise our God and receive Him through the Word, Eucharist, and the community of believers. I did not come to follow a priest like a fan with a superstar. I came to pay Jesus homage like the Magi were drawn by the Star.
So, we shall say our "farewell" this weekend, to a parish for which we moved from MA. Too many feelings to express... Today's Gospel says "Would you bring in a lamp to put it under a tub or under the bed? Surely you will put it on the lamp-stand? For there is nothing hidden but it must be disclosed, nothing kept secret except to be brought to light. If anyone has ears to hear, let him listen to this." He also said to them, "take notice of what you are hearing. The amount you measure out is the amount you will be given - and more besides; for the man who has will be given more; from the man who has not, even what he has will be taken away."
Bring your light to the world, treat others with dignity and respect regardless of how they respond - Jesus did that, and we can all try to emmulate.
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