I have been spending most of my days applying for different jobs in a different state, a state to which our family will relocate, and the rest of my days spent at attempting to find a suitable school for my 16-yr old, who, in his own words, "... have invested his life" into his current school. It felt like a battle that I kept loosing. And yet, I get up each morning and keep fighting. I am discouraged, angry and tired...
Oscar Wilde said, "If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing well. If it is worth having, it is worth waiting for. If it is worth attaining, it is worth fighting for." If it is only that simple...
I am one of these crazy women who did not only have children, but have four children – four beautiful, spirited and good-natured children. They are very different, in every-way, from each other; but they all are happy and kind. One of my professors once said to me, "you are lucky that you have good kids..." But you see, they don't come naturally that way. They demand my time, my energy, and sometimes, all of my brain power. I never thought that I would learn so much from them, or to remember so much from my old school days, or to have the courage to learn something that I never thought possible. They are my fuel when I am empty; and they also are my rockets which demands all of my fuel to push them off the ground. I love my children, not expecting monetary rewards or fame, simply love them as who they are.
I am one of these crazy woman who also refuses to give up pursuing a career, an active, international career. I travel, quite a bit, to China, two to three times a year. And when I land, I teach in each city two to three days, then travel to the next city. Choral musicians and educators from different regions of China come join me in making music of both Chinese and Western origin. We explore music from 10th-century Germany to 21st-century China.
When I am in the States, I try to make music with people of all walks and life. I went to Washington State in April and conducted a program of choral music exploring the expression of "love" in different cultures and times. I also have a group of friends, with whom I make choral music – when we all have some spare time to rehearse. Then, a friend of mine asked me to lead a children's choir organization, which consist three classes of children, ages 4 through 11. Last Sunday, the 42 children sang the Spring Concert in four different languages. And through this semester's study, the children learned Chinese poetry, African rhythm, Baroque phrasing, and English history. Yes, I love making music, not looking to get rich or famous, simply love creating beauty for the world.
Chesterton said that one cannot love a thing without wanting to fight for it. I suppose, I just have to keep fighting for my children's future which requires the whole family to stay together; as well as the chance for me to continuously making beautiful music with people, which requires me to be embedded into my surrounding communities. Sometimes, the two loves just seem impossible to reconcile. Someone asked me last month, if I have to choose between my children or my career, which one would I choose. This fight, does it have to be between my two loves? Or is this fight against something bigger? People often say, there are not enough women in the leadership roles... well, women have to make difficult choices. Leadership roles don't just fall from the sky, one has to grow with a program to build it and to become a leader; just like one has to grow with the children to truly be a mother.
This fight is taking all that I am and all that I have. And I have no choice, but to fight on, and to be glad that I have something for which I am willing to get up each day and FIGHT.
Comments